“Thank-yous” and Praise, Empty Verbal Calories Without the Nutritional Value of Specifics
People who know me well know that many of my favorite analogies involve food. So, it’s not surprising when my first thoughts about empty compliments and encouragements go right to thoughts of junk food.
eQ’s COO, Misti Aaronson (one of Baltimore’s top female executives because of her commitment to excellence – her own and developing the abilities of those around her to deliver the same), is way more food conscious and disciplined than I. Excluding our banter about our differing views on the merits of so-called “participation trophies,” I think we’re going to agree when it comes to this topic; and the analogy to illustrate it.
As I’ve said before, when used in the right way, with the right audience, the token of these participation trophies can positively impact the individuals you’re seeking to draw further into your community. I said then, and I’ll repeat here: they’re good to attract and lower defenses; they do not replace hard work, achievement, and the esteem that comes with it. The fact that self-esteem has to follow achievement has been studied and written about for years. Recently, while flying across the US, I read an article reminding me of this. It made me think of Misti and others like her who want to have a real and lasting impact on the people around them. I was inspired to cull out a few simple things to know and use for all of us to be more effective when it comes to supporting others in meaningful ways through what we say.
To paraphrase the great children’s lesson, you can give a colleague a … doughnut of hollow praise, or you can provide a well-balanced diet that will help them reach and sustain a higher level of contribution. Sure, the doughnut tastes good, but it’s what happens as a result of a steady diet of “doughnuts” that matters.
The inspiring article I’m reading on the place is called “In Criticism of Praise” by Heidi Stevens, a Chicago Tribune columnist, author and parent. The article appears in the January 2015 issue of Southwest Airlines in flight magazine. Ms. Stevens’ focus is on her relationship with her son and parent/child relationships overall, but the lessons transcend age and connection. She cites liberally from the research of Stanford psychology professor, Carol Dweck, who studied the affect of praise, success, and failure on children, and their willingness to take on challenges and the attitude with which they do so. One way of summarizing her work is to say that too much praise for too little achievement (that fails to include a reference to the effort) leads to a resistance to take on greater challenges for fear of losing one’s status. More specifically, calling someone a genius for performing simple addition, or the next great runner for making it all the way around the block, doesn’t produce the results you intend. In fact, it can lead to anxiety and create the equivalent of a “proving” versus a “learning” mindset in which failure is not an option.
Fittingly, in the same magazine, there was an article discussing the true story of a team of high school students from a tough neighborhood in Phoenix who bested a team from MIT in an underwater robotics competition. (Keep an eye out for the upcoming movie version of Spare Parts, which tells the story of the Carl Hayden High School robotics team.) One of the assertions by the author is that these kids performed so well because they figured they had no chance to win. Another factor was that their lack of access to expensive technology and other resources led them to be far more innovative…and, ultimately, incredibly successful.
So, what does all this mean? Should we reserve praise and support? Maybe practice verbal tough love? There’s no research that suggests withholding praise or employing negative reinforcement is the preferred method of creating, or furthering, behaviors that you desire. What about participation trophies? Read my earlier blog. Damning with faint praise? Well…sort of. You do run the risk of missing an opportunity to get more of what you want if you don’t make what you value and appreciate perfectly clear. The message from these articles serves as a healthy reminder that we can be most effective with our compliments when we are:
• Genuine—Pick something to praise or reinforce that merits attention. For some, even modest achievement or progress is appropriate; for others, it may need to be more substantial or noteworthy. You have to believe it for them too – this isn’t just a mantra, it’s neuroscience.
• Timely—To borrow from the NYC safety initiative: if you see something, say something. The most effective time to share feedback of any sort is as close to the time the behavior occurs as possible. If it’s a subordinate, act at will. If it’s a peer, ask the person if s/he is interested in feedback. Share your thoughts in person (if you can); notes and trinkets can be effective too – as long as you attend to the most important element of specificity (noted below).
• Specific—Be sure to say what it is that merits the “good job” or “thanks” you pass along. It sounds like a simple thing; but, too often, the details are overlooked or it’s assumed the person knows what you’re thanking them for. Adding the precise reasons for your assessment capitalizes on your ability to create confidence and increase the likelihood of getting more what you value.
One last thing: all feedback should be constructive. The number of times I hear people say they share “positive or constructive” feedback is telling. It communicates exactly the issue discussed above: we aren’t constructive when we praise. Not to mention, that construction is reserved for outlining areas in need of address or development. By applying the guidance that all feedback is constructive, you’ll be more effective on at least two levels:
1. You’ll praise more often, and
2. Your praise will have significantly more meaning and impact
