In life, when something happens to us, usually a not-so-good something, we’re often told: “Don’t take it personally.” What junk advice (in most cases). Of course, you should take it personally … it’s personal! There are situations where taking something personally can range from merely being narcissistic to being delusional, and it’s possible for someone to prefer and pick someone other than you in a circumstance that is really about the other person. And for the record: your sports team losing is – seriously - not connected to anything you did or did not do, so stop taking it personally.
But, in situations where a client or prospective client chooses not to work with you after building a relationship and/or when you are the product – that’s 100% personal, and you should take it as such.
Taking things personally does not equate to locking yourself in a dark room with a pint of Ben & Jerry’s (unless it’s Peanut Butter Fudge Core). Rather, being faced with a decision to take it personally should be embraced as an opportunity to learn and evolve. Occasionally, it’s even a chance to exit conveniently from a suboptimal business relationship whose opportunity cost outweighs its benefit.
Here are my recommended steps for effectively taking something personally (Ben & Jerry’s optional, but preferred):
• Grieve—it feels bad to have someone say they prefer to work with someone else, or that they don’t value you as highly or in the manner you wish they would. Process this stuff; don’t hide from it. Be quick about it though, because sulking is draining on you and others.
• Clarify—one of the reasons to work through your “pain” is to regain the objectivity you need to make sure you understand what lies behind the feeling or decision of another. The perspective and perception of someone who matters enough to you to have caused you pain are the gold buried in the emotional manure you initially focus on when you get news you’re not that crazy about. If additional information is needed to be clear, you should seek it out. You should not merely seek to appeal the decision.
• Adjust—whatever the “new reality” is for you work through your action plan internally and with a trusted advisor and then set about implementing it. The best way to adjust to a changed circumstance is to begin living within it – with acceptance and (preferably) enthusiasm. If there are things you can change and should change based on what you’ve learned, then plan for and begin making the effort to do so.
• Excel—through your understanding of when and how you create the most value and, possibly, with a bit of enhancement as well. You’re now positioned to pursue and exploit those clients and situations where your abilities create an unfair advantage. Targeting those opportunities and applying yourself to them will allow you to excel, and feel really good about what you’re doing and with whom.
When we’re passionate about what we do, we’re invested. When we’re invested, it hurts when we “lose.” We all lose some times. Take it personally. It is personal; and, done the right way, taking things personally is what enables us to elevate how we do what we do … this makes us better and makes it feel a lot better when we win – and we should take it personally when we win too.
