How does one master nonverbal communication?
Well how does one master anything in life? You study and you practice.
During entreQuest training programs which are designed to help our partner companies improve the client experience they deliver, our facilitators lead a module titled “Modes of Communication.” Part of this lesson is on the mastery of matching your prospect’s communicative style.
There are three distinctive modes of communication – superior, inferior, and equal.
Superior – Speaking from a starting point of “I” and “my” and using body language that dominates the area of conversation
Inferior – Speaking from a starting point of “you” and “your” and using body language that seemingly renounces your space to the other partaker in the conversation
Equal – Speaking from a starting point of “we” and “our” and using body language that evenly shares the area of conversation in a manner that basically goes unnoticed
Now the idea here is not that any one mode of communication is better than the other even though every individual is most likely better at expressing himself or herself through one mode over the others. However, in order to assume the coveted rank of “master of the modes of communication,” an individual must be able to effectively communicate in each mode so that he or she can match their prospect's or their client’s particular mode during a conversation. That is how you successfully communicate – expressing yourself to another with verbal and nonverbal cues that the person opposite of you can easily understand and relate to. Simply stated, put yourself in their mode of communication, and you’re likely to have a lot more success communicating, convincing, and capitalizing.
Back to our original point though, to become a master you must study. But how?
Go to any college library and you’ll find volumes and volumes on the subject of communication. Considering your time is limited though, let’s turn our attention to one of the greatest movie characters of all time – Dr. Hannibal Lecter.
We’re going to assume that like most Americans, you’ve seen “The Silence of the Lambs” (unless of course you’ve been in a maximum security facility yourself for the past two decades!). As a reminder, Agent Clarice Starling (played flawlessly by Jodie Foster) is tasked by the Director of the FBI, Jack Crawford, to complete a psycho-behavioral profile on the nation’s most infamous serial killing cannibal (brilliantly performed by Sir Anthony Hopkins). Now Agent Starling is just a trainee and Dr. Lecter is a genius psychiatrist with the ability to mentally manipulate any subject he’s speaking to (recall that he literally talked Multiple Miggs in the next cell to death). That's right, could communicating to a prospect get any more extreme?!?! Also take into account that every agent before Clarice Starling was unable to get through to Hannibal Lecter and certainly Dr. Chilton at the Baltimore State Forensic Hospital who went out of his way NOT to match modes of communication with his most prized patient never got through to him (although his patient got through to him at the end – recall that last line of “I’m having an old friend for dinner…”).
So how did Clarice succeed in communicating to Hannibal the Cannibal when all others failed? Simple! Well, simple in theory but a little more difficult in practice when face-to-face-mask... She succeeded by matching Dr. Lecter’s mode of communication – both in verbal language and body language. They even defined their reciprocating exchange it in the movie as “quid pro quo” – or this for that, I talk you talk, I listen you listen, I give you give, I get you get, etc.
It’s rather gruesome of us at eQ to recommend you watch “The Silence of the Lambs” to improve your professional communication skills but the dialogue scenes between Agent Starling and Dr. Lecter make for one of the best examples to keep in mind when trying to master the ever effective strategy of matching your prospect’s or client’s mode of communication.
Should you take up our suggestion, make sure you zoom in on the following parts:
1. At the beginning of their first conversation, Agent Starling does NOT match Dr. Lecter’s mode of communication. He speaks in superior mode and she responded from an inferior mode. As a result, he bluntly vocalizes his disappointment in her indirect, insincere, and insecure approach.
Dr. Lecter: Jack Crawford sent a trainee to me?
Agent Starling: Yes, I'm a student. I'm here to learn from you. Maybe you can decide whether or not I'm qualified enough to do that.
Dr. Lecter: That is rather slippery of you, Agent Starling.
2. At the end of their first conversation, Agent Starling then DOES match Dr. Lecter’s bold version of an inferior mode of communication and he ends up giving her extremely valuable information to aid her in her case.
Dr. Lecter: Good nutrition's given you length of bone, but you're not more than one generation from poor white trash, are you? And that accent you've tried so desperately to shed: pure West Virginia. What is your father, dear? Is he a coal miner? Does he stink of the lamp? How quickly the boys found you [...explicit content omitted...] while you could only dream of getting out, getting anywhere, getting all the way to the F-B-I.
Agent Starling: You see a lot, Doctor. But are you strong enough to point that high-powered perception at yourself? What about it? Why don't you look at yourself and write down what you see? Or maybe you're afraid to.
[…Dr. Lecter sends Clarice away but after she endures the "unspeakably ugly discourtesy" from Miggs, he then calls her back and gives her the lead to the storage facility that contains a clue that gets her a-head…]
3. During their second conversation, take careful notice of the body language between Dr. Lecter and Agent Starling and you’ll find that they match. When he is sitting back talking to her, she is equally relaxed and they both maintain their own realm. When he comes forth to her at the end to offer her an opportunity, she rises to meet him and accept. Note that she is not mirroring his every action but she is matching his every move with her own style of stature.
4. In their third conversation, the reciprocal value climaxes to a point where if their engagement was a business one, it would be profitable for both partners.
Dr. Lecter: Quid pro quo. Yes or no? Yes or no, Clarice? Poor little Catherine is waiting.
Agent Starling: Go, Doctor.
Dr. Lecter: What is your worst memory of childhood?
Agent Starling: The death of my father.
Dr. Lecter: Tell me about it and don't lie, or I'll know.
Agent Starling: He was a town marshal. One night he surprised two burglars coming out the back of a drugstore. They shot him.
[…more conversation about Clarice’s father ensues…]
Agent Starling: Quid pro quo, Doctor.
Dr. Lecter: So tell me about Miss West Virginia. Was she a large girl?
[…and the conversation continues to reveal a lot of incredibly useful information for Clarice to use in catching the serial killer at-large Buffalo Bill and save his current victim Catherine Martin...]
5. Finally, while an eQ trainer would never advise insulting your prospects or clients, you can still learn from the scene where Dr. Hannibal Lecter meets Senator Ruth Martin at the Memphis Airport to strike up a deal to catch the killer before he kills her daughter. During their meeting, the Senator is unable to connect to Hannibal Lecter until he insults her very despicably. This allows her the opportunity to match his insult and it is that act of a moment that then prompted him to tell her everything she wanted to hear in the first place.
Dr. Lecter: Tell me, Mom, when your little girl is on the slab, where will it tickle you?
Senator Martin: Take this thing back to Baltimore [she turns and walks away].
Dr. Lecter: Five foot ten! Strongly built! About 180 pounds! Hair blond. Eyes pale blue. He'd be about 35 now. He said he lived in Philadelphia but may have lied. That's all I can remember, Mom, but if I think of anything more, I will let you know.
And listen, should you find “The Silence of the Lambs” so incredibly inspiring in your mission to master the modes of communication that you want to directly quote Dr. Lecter, entreQuest insists that you ONLY use the following one liner in your business encounters: “Love your suit."
Joe Mechlinski is the President of entreQuest and has partnered with countless leaders to effectively improve their team’s performance, their clients’ experience, and their company’s profits.
